Writing 101, Assignment 3 9/17/14
This assignment is about loss and, in the spirit of our missions thus far, I have chosen to write about the first thing that came to mind; which is my weight loss.
18 months ago I weighed in at 287 pounds – and I’m only five seven. Then I lost 68 pounds, which put me at 219. Unfortunately, I gained back 20 over a miserable and depression-heavy winter, putting me at 239. As the thaw came I managed to get down to 203, so I’m getting pretty close to that first goal!!!
I’ve struggled with how I see my body most of my life. My early years were fraught with abuse from another adult in me and my mother’s world, but that’s a different story, I do think, however, that it set the stage upon which my grandfather’s words were built.
The weight issues began in the pre-teen years. My grandfather was a mentally abusive ass-wipe and was always calling my mother a cow or telling me I had thunder thighs and a fat ass. Not surprisingly this had an impact.
I carried this sense that I was lacking out into the world with me; like an invisible control chip telling me I was fat and ugly and the whole negative song and dance… a constant refrain that drew me to my favorite vice; food.
I was raised in the kitchen so I know how to cook – but back in the day it was lots of old school, calorie laden classics and comfort foods. Rich 3-meat meatloaf served with mashed potatoes made with cream and butter. Chocolate cheesecake pie made with full fat cream cheese, heavy whipping cream and chocolate pudding mix. Not to mention some trailer-trash favorites like BBQ’d hamburger patties slipped into Velveeta covered, lightly toasted English Muffins; I could easily eat 3, with pickles, a side of homemade steak fries and some delicious ‘secret sauce’ – mostly from-scratch Thousand Island mixed with some Sriracha for kick. Maybe wash it all down with a couple of mixed drinks and a piece of freshly baked berry pie – and ice cream.
I can’t forget to mention all of the glorious fast-foods, Del-Taco, Taco Bell, Taco Time, do you get the sense I dig me some tacos? BUT there was also spicy chicken sandwiches from Burger King and all of the delicious fried foods from Jack in the Box. Chocolate, soda, oh so much soda – and energy drinks galore, goldfish crackers by the bag and more popcicles and ice cream bars than I can count.
So what changed? Why did I begin a really intense, super healthful weight loss regime? Why did I struggle against my Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia and other mental and physical health bullshit in an effort to finally shed the pounds and change my life, or at least how I view myself? Why?
I. Got. Angry. That simple and that hard – I got wicked pissed at myself. Here’s what happened: I had just come home from a friend’s house where I had eaten a delicious and extra-large dinner, a couple hours later I headed home and saw the BK sign and thought, “hey, I want one of their small sundaes”. I drove through, ordered, got my stuff, went home and realized I had bought the sundae, 3 spicy chicken sandwiches, a cheeseburger with pickles and a small onion ring. Seriously. What did I do about it? I zoned out on T.V. and the ‘internets’ and ate every last bite.
Started with the sundae — finished with the onion rings.
Afterword I went to bed…and was up by three… I’ll spare you the images of a body purging itself from every available place and just sum it up with I got disgustingly sick and it was the final straw.
I knew in my heart I was killing myself and possibly making my illnesses worse with the way I was eating and in that moment I made promise to myself to make the changes. I went back to bed, curled up and began to plot how I was going to us my knowledge of food and how I would best utilize the exercise equipment I had on hand to meet my goal of weighing fewer than 200 pounds. As I said above… I’m down to 203; not too shabby.
The above blog assignment is also, according to directions, part one of three so if you dig-it so far please keep an eye out for part 2. Thanks for reading! PK.